Almost a rhythm.
The leaves whirl around.
Is it autumn yet?
No, it’s a roar.
The lack of education is the loudest.
Life happens out of indecency.
I went to psycho camp.
I screamed out loud and without a sound.
Is there no one here who understands me – was my thought.
My identity was copied.
How do you ask?
I’m telling you.
It was in the jungles of Boswana.
It was a coconut finca.
In the north. On the border to Honduras.
I met this man.
We talked and talked and talked.
It was like he was peeled out of my skin, my soul mirror, my animus.
Our eyes met, our hands touched, our minds shared a nod of agreement, but none of us had the courage to take a step towards each other.
We stayed like this for a few weeks.
He was considerate of Juli, who also lived on the Finca and since the fast number during a drunken night, she waits in a quiet desire persisted that it would happen again and I was considerate of him.
She crept around me, watched me, played masterfully the wounded soul and was queen in the field of emotional manipulation.
I was just stunned.
From her, from him, from this constellation, from the psycho theater piece that was played. This little subtle drama that was quietly played out between us.
These insinuations of his and the silent urging of hers. I, as a stranger, exploded this months of waiting and pushing in a wait-and-see manner. I brought everything to a boil, the subliminal and long seething feelings shot up. I was the catalyst.
I got sick.
I got a violent indigestion like I’ve never had before.
Cramps, like never before.
I just lay there, unable to do anything, read or look at anything.
I lay down like this and couldn’t drink anything, although my mouth was so dry that I could hardly swallow. When I took something to drink, my stomach cramped up so much that I screamed out loud and without a sound.
So I just lay down there.
Ready to die if I had to.
She was angry.
With her passively aggressive nature she challenged me to tell her what I am doing here, what I want and what I have exactly. She was so angry and I couldn’t stand her theatrics.
I sensed how she was burning with anger inside and I myself began to burn.
Suddenly I fell down.
I was on the floor.
So I died.